A Letter to the Heavens

Dear God,
       I am so conflicted.  I have two wants, two desires that lie on opposite ends of the spectrum from each other.  I think I know which one I want more and definitely which one is more sane.
       I want to be admitted… to the hospital.  I do not feel good and that is the biggest reason, but the hospital is like a vacation to me.  The physical tasks that take me hours to do at home are taken care of and the land of medicine has all the equipment that could ever be needed.  It makes me feel safe.  But being admitted, and going to the ER, and the situation at hand is putting my parents through hell.  I hate keeping my parents up at night, worrying them, and causing them anxiety.  I love my parents so much!
       I pray that You untangle my mind and steer me in the right direction.  I pray that Your will be done.

       We are all stressed, anxious, and worried.  I pray that You take the weight of the stress and the anxiety off of our shoulders.  Help us breathe.  Replace these chest tightening feelings with love, peace, and joy.  Courage and strength.  I pray that my family and I trust fully and completely in You.

       You are stretching my family and I like a rubber band.  Seeing how far we can go and I pray that we snap back into place.  With You, God, and our lovely support system of a family --friends included -- I am sure we will snap back to where we started and jump over this hurtle.
       I am conflicted, but I pray for guidance and the untangling of my mind.  I pray for the weight to be taken off of our shoulders and the breath to be easier to inhale.  I pray for Your will to be done and Your love to be felt.
       Thank You for my friends and family!  Thank You for another day!
In Jesus' name,
Amen

       

Where I Found Him

I have told this story before but I feel that since then my writing has improved dramatically.  There is also a new angle to the story buried in the depths of my words.  For the new and old readers, you will love it!

​There's a story of a girl who has always been faithful and trusting in God, but there was a day that made her truly believe.  A day where this girl felt God holding her; there is no other explanation.  This girl is me and what happened that day was almighty, in every way.

​I was about 14 and my Nana and Nanu had brought me to church, jus like they always did.  The Youth Group service and Bible studies were over and everyone was heading up to the "big church" for the main service.  My friends from youth group helped me get situated in the area we designated for ourselves when all of a sudden:

​"I have to go to the bathroom.  Where is it?", I said to the girl sitting next to me.

​"Just up there", referring to the incline up to the double doors.  "Do you need help?  I can get your grandma."

​"No, I'm okay."  So, I went up the ramp, out the double doors, into the sitting room before the bathroom, and then I was finally there.  I opened a stall door, grab bars on either side of the toilet but no turning radius; the door wouldn't close with my wheelchair in it.  I went to the stall that looked like it was larger.  It had a five foot turning radius but the grab bars were on the opposite side from the toilet.

​By this time I had tried and failed, I was sobbing.  My Nana and aunt Dottie came to check on me then.  We went into the sitting room where they asked me what was wrong. I told them how the bathroom wasn't accessible, how I fell trying to use it on my own, how I couldn't go anyways but I had to.  I told them this while still sobbing.  And then… they put there hands on me and started praying!

​I had always been faithful and trusting in God, but in that moment I felt His arms around me.  I could feel Him hugging my spirit and saying, "calm down, child.  Do not worry."  I went from sobbing to calmly breathing so quickly.  I just felt absolutely loved, the almighty God loves me for me.

​Whenever I'm questioning where He is; whenever God stretches me so thin that I think I can't handle anymore, I think of this story.  Just like a rubber band when God stretches you He is testing your strength, but you will always snap back because you are strong.  And, He never leaves you, even in the bathroom.  

In July 2020

                                                                                                                    Monday January 5, 2015

Dear Future Self,

​You, my friend, are blessed with a wisdom far beyond your years.  You probably feel like you've seen the world but the world you know best is the inside of a hospital.  Believe me, there is far more to see.  There will always be ups and downs (you know that) but the important thing is to focus on the "up".  Life is a fight but there is so much to behold, and you must.

            I will not predict my future as I do not want to look back on this and feel like I have not accomplished something but I do have advice: 1. Keep writing.  People love to feast their eyes upon your story; there is much to tell.  2. Learn to love to read again.  Remember to "feed your brain" as your crazy eleventh grade English teacher said.  3. Go to college.  Just go and finish, no matter how long it takes.  4. Be independent.  Remember, independence means to be in control of your life.  Having help is a good thing and if you need it ask.  5. Learn some social skills.  It doesn't matter that you can't see.  Be social!  6. Trust God in whatever happens and whatever you do.

          I pray for health and love and happiness.  The Lord God will always be with you!  And, remember, you are blessed with a wisdom far beyond your years; use this wisdom to its full potential.

Happy belated 22 birthday!

Love,

The beauty Inside

The elderly love me. 

      "You're so beautiful", they say.  I say "thank you" and then wonder why I always get told the same thing from the same group of people.  Why is it always the grandmas who notice my beauty and the grandpas who joke about me inviting them to my wedding?

      

       My great grandma's most recent husband always asked me if I had gotten married yet.  At the end he had dementia and it didn't matter if we'd seen each other just weeks prior, our conversation would always be the same.  He would take my hands and ask, "You haven't gotten married yet, have you?"  

       "No, not yet." I would say.  

       "You'll make sure to tell me when you do, okay?"

       "I will."  He is no longer around but I will have to let him know when I get married.  I am sure he will already see.

       A few days ago there was a 93 year old women getting her hair done while I was getting a manicure.  She said repeatedly that I was a beautiful girl and on her way out of the shop she came to me and said, "You are a very beautiful girl."

       "Thank you.", I said. 

       It is not that I don't think I'm beautiful, or that I don't think I'm goiñg to get married.  It is merely the curiosity of why the majority of people who point out my beauty are elders.

       Children are told to respect their elders because they have experienced all there is.  They have developed a wisdom all their own.  Maybe they see in my eyes the experience of someone who is far too wise for her age.  But, whatever is seen in the depths of my soul, being called beautiful is a compliment I will always appreciate. 

       "You're so beautiful.", they say.  I say, "thank you" and wonder if they can see my soul through the window. 

 

      

       

The Two Valeries

A life's story can not be told simply, as it is hard to foresee the beginning, middle, and end.  In what way should I arrange them?  How do I say everything I want to say?  I don't know… And you would think being 16, going on 17, that there wouldn't be that much to say in the first place.  But, oh, how you are wrong!  I have too much to say and even different parts to the story.  I shall tell you what is on the forefront of my mind; what is itching to be said and shared.  

       But before this great tale, I must share with you something that may be of context, and wether it pertains to what is coming next… well, that is for you to figure out as the story unfolds. 

       My father is a twin; born in the 1960s.  My father came out first and his sister, his sister had some trouble. She took her time coming into the world and because of this time taken the breath of life was delayed.  This lack of oxygen resulted in both a cognitive and physical disability. 

       The thing to do to those who were different back then, to those who used wheelchairs or anything else, was to lock them up and throw away the key.  So, my aunt grew up in an institution.  I do not know the conditions or how she was treated; I'm not sure anyone really does.  My knowledge of her story jumps from here to when she died. 

       She was only 12 years old when she had a spinal fusion, to correct scoliosis.  Something went wrong, in surgery or from infection I am not sure but she died.  At 12.  She died when she was 12 years old. 

       My father is a twin.  His sister's name was Valerie.  His sister's name is Valerie.  My father named his daughter after his sister.  My name is Valerie and it might be because of our names, but I think that mine and my aunt's stories are tied together at certain points of the string.  Whoever is reading this can figure out the similarities and differences in the knots.  The lengths, unfortunately, will be different