I Am Aware

I am aware. I'm aware of how my visual impairment affects me.  I'm aware of how tired and weak I am all the time.  I'm aware of my dysarthria.  I am aware, and wether these are new symptoms or my new found awareness, I am not sure.  

     I suppose I've known about my mystery disability since I went from forearm crutches to a walkerr and I've definitely known that I'm legally blind since birth, but when I was a child nothing got in my way.  I knew that I was legally blind but not as much was based on sight.  As for the dysarthria and the tiredness I am pretty certain that those symptoms are fairly new.  

     Everyone whom I tell about my mystery disability tells me that a diagnosis is just a name, that in the long run it doesn't matter; they don't get it.  Instead of a diagnosis I have a list of symptoms and diagnoses that seems to keep growing.  Doctors will not treat these symptoms with out this name, without a diagnosis and I wouldn't really care if I wasn't exhausted and weak all the time, if it didn't take multiple times for someone to hear and understand me, if it didn't take the breath out of me when I talk.  

     Most of the time a diagnosis means a reason and doctors won't treat without a reason.  According to almost every test there is no reason for me to have a disability.  

     I am more aware than I was when I was a child because back then I didn't feel it like I do now.  I am a mystery that defies all odds and… I am aware.