The beauty Inside

The elderly love me. 

      "You're so beautiful", they say.  I say "thank you" and then wonder why I always get told the same thing from the same group of people.  Why is it always the grandmas who notice my beauty and the grandpas who joke about me inviting them to my wedding?

      

       My great grandma's most recent husband always asked me if I had gotten married yet.  At the end he had dementia and it didn't matter if we'd seen each other just weeks prior, our conversation would always be the same.  He would take my hands and ask, "You haven't gotten married yet, have you?"  

       "No, not yet." I would say.  

       "You'll make sure to tell me when you do, okay?"

       "I will."  He is no longer around but I will have to let him know when I get married.  I am sure he will already see.

       A few days ago there was a 93 year old women getting her hair done while I was getting a manicure.  She said repeatedly that I was a beautiful girl and on her way out of the shop she came to me and said, "You are a very beautiful girl."

       "Thank you.", I said. 

       It is not that I don't think I'm beautiful, or that I don't think I'm goiñg to get married.  It is merely the curiosity of why the majority of people who point out my beauty are elders.

       Children are told to respect their elders because they have experienced all there is.  They have developed a wisdom all their own.  Maybe they see in my eyes the experience of someone who is far too wise for her age.  But, whatever is seen in the depths of my soul, being called beautiful is a compliment I will always appreciate. 

       "You're so beautiful.", they say.  I say, "thank you" and wonder if they can see my soul through the window. 

 

      

       

The Two Valeries

A life's story can not be told simply, as it is hard to foresee the beginning, middle, and end.  In what way should I arrange them?  How do I say everything I want to say?  I don't know… And you would think being 16, going on 17, that there wouldn't be that much to say in the first place.  But, oh, how you are wrong!  I have too much to say and even different parts to the story.  I shall tell you what is on the forefront of my mind; what is itching to be said and shared.  

       But before this great tale, I must share with you something that may be of context, and wether it pertains to what is coming next… well, that is for you to figure out as the story unfolds. 

       My father is a twin; born in the 1960s.  My father came out first and his sister, his sister had some trouble. She took her time coming into the world and because of this time taken the breath of life was delayed.  This lack of oxygen resulted in both a cognitive and physical disability. 

       The thing to do to those who were different back then, to those who used wheelchairs or anything else, was to lock them up and throw away the key.  So, my aunt grew up in an institution.  I do not know the conditions or how she was treated; I'm not sure anyone really does.  My knowledge of her story jumps from here to when she died. 

       She was only 12 years old when she had a spinal fusion, to correct scoliosis.  Something went wrong, in surgery or from infection I am not sure but she died.  At 12.  She died when she was 12 years old. 

       My father is a twin.  His sister's name was Valerie.  His sister's name is Valerie.  My father named his daughter after his sister.  My name is Valerie and it might be because of our names, but I think that mine and my aunt's stories are tied together at certain points of the string.  Whoever is reading this can figure out the similarities and differences in the knots.  The lengths, unfortunately, will be different

Thank You Canine Partners for Life (CPL)!!!!

I can't keep my mouth shut for the life of me, but if I did I am sure I would explode from excitement because this.  This is a God thing, happening from pure blessing.  Out of research and emails came an application… an application that I threw away.  

     But months later I received a message from the producers of that application.  They said, "We know your blind.  We know you use a wheelchair… but if you apply, we will try and help you."  After three years I felt my search was over because I found the place, that will train the dog, to help me.  

     Thank you God!!!  Thank you CPL!!

It's been over three years, over three years, of research, emails, and the applications.  I was always denied for the same reason; having a combo pack of disabilities.  Either guide dog Schools didn't like me because I use a wheelchair or service dog training schools didn't like me because I'm legally blind. 

       At one point I thought I had a lead on a service dog training place that would help me. I asked my mom to print out the application but instead she printed out CPL's application.  

I emailed CPL and then a week later with no response I threw away the printed application.  

       Months later, in July I got a response telling me that they would try their best to help me if I filled out an application.  So I filled out an application and it's all working out from there. :)

Unseeing Eyes

I might seem rude, or stupid, or like I'm just ignoring you for one of two reasons; the first reason being that I am quiet and the second being that you are just a blob.  Yes, to me you are just a colorful shape.  No details, no fine lines, just a dim, colorful shape.  I can not see you waving at me or recognize you by your face.  I can not see the endeavors on the board in the classroom even if I am sitting in the front. Yes, I am quite blind.  

       The closer I can get a piece of work to my face the better.  Oh, but if you write in pencil it is too light for my eye to see, and cursive it is a no-no for letters are too close and connected.  It must be big, as well.  You know what, let's just stay away from paper!

       So you think a lap top might work, I think not.  Although the screen is bigger compared to a tablet or iPad, everything on the screen is smaller because of how much open space all the icons have.  Also, I am not able to get laptops and desktops as close to my face as necessary for optimum viewing.   

       I know, I know.  I see in so many different ways, with far things being colorful shapes and close things being clear as long as they are presented to me in the right way.  It is confusing and it's even hard to explain.  I am not asking that you understand, I am merely making you aware in case we ever happen to cross paths. 

       Everyone sees differently, I just happened to be legally blind.

Life is a Fight

To exist is to be, to live is to fight.

       This may sound like a war cry to you, but it is not.  It is merely a fact of life.  Every accomplishment in life is a fight to get there and for people who have disabilities it is a fight to get what we need in order to get there.  It is a fight through a whole lot of discrimination.  It is a fight through a whole lot of people who are trying their best to help but they're still discriminating against you.  It is a fight and it shouldn't be.

Defying Human Nature

I can just picture it, the daunting moment.  Presentations in English class are no longer just projects or finals; they are now typical occurrences, happening almost every day.  I would have to volunteer of coarse because my teacher does not call on people, she likes for us to take the initiative.  But the picture is still clear, I can see the daunting task ahead of me.

       I volunteer (if I somehow summon the courage) and I make my way slowly up to the front of the classroom from my awkward see in the back, probably bumping into things on the way, while all eyes stare at me.  I finally get to the front of the classroom and have to turn myself around, sitting there I feel the eyes on my face and being nervous I start to get quieter than I already am.  Then I am asked to be louder but I physically cannot, whether I am nervous or not the little amount of air flowing through my lungs does not permit me to be louder.  I am done so I make my way slowly back to my seat.  I am proud of myself yet always wondering what people think of me.

       People say to not care, to be positive and everything will be fine.  To a certain extent I believe that but I also believe that part of this is just human nature.  They say to picture people in their underwear, but honestly I think that would just make me more nervous.  Some people ask me, "But if you're legally blind how do you know the people are staring at you?"  I just do, I can feel it.  There is this fear I have of public speaking, especially around people I know.  A fear of being judged, a fear of being too slow or too quiet.

       But, I also believe to some extent that it's human nature to judge other people. That doesn't mean it's right to do so.  And just because I said it it was a human nature to feel a certain amount of pessimism doesn't mean we have to. It's human nature to think certain thoughts every once in a while but I believe we don't have to think those thoughts all the time! 

       Whether this means I will find the curtains to volunteer and show myself, I don't know.  But I'm working on it, slowly but surely I am working on it.  I am working on defying human nature and getting out of my "circle thingy"!  It's happening too.

Far Greater Than Straight ‘As'

Why does it matter, if you take physics as a freshman or a junior?  Why does having straight ‘As' automatically make you smarter and more superior?  Imagine this: That girl who's in physics, with all the freshman, Maybe her parents just got divorced, or maybe her mother is the only parent in the house and her father's in the force.  Or visa-versa.  Maybe her brother is sick and her sister is making choices.  Or maybe this girl is just simply working her ass off to get by, and making it into physics is a big accomplishment!
       The point here is:  it is not your place to be judgemental or condescending.  For this girl's story I assume you do not know.  Each persons walk is different, and sometimes learning by experience is far greater than straight ‘As’.

There is Something You Should Know.

There is something you must know.  Physical impairment does not mean impairment of the mind; I am smart and I am kind.  So when you speak to me - and I hope you do - speak to me directly, and not through you.  For I hate middle men; they corrupt the message, especially when the message is meant for me and not them.
       There is something you must know.  Help is a job for two.  Job one is for me, job two is for you.  I must tell you what I need but you must help me carry it through.  So when I ask for help it involves you too.
       There is something you must know.  I am human.  I am a teenager.  I am flawed and have disabilities, but don't we all.  The only difference between yours and mine is that mine are visible and yours are not.  Autism, dyslexia, anxiety disorders, OCD, CP, spinabifida, blindness.  They are all disabilities and they are part of what makes us ALL human.
        Children are no less human than the adults.  Woman are no less human than man. People who have disabilities are no less human than any of the rest of us.  No one should be talked down upon.

Treat Me Like A Human

We are fragile. In a world like today's with political correctness, and people judging other people, and bullying, and everything that's going on in the world, we are fragile human beings.  We're afraid to say what we want to say and speak our minds, we're afraid to hurt other peoples feelings but we all want the same thing; to be equal. 

       That is something I have never understood – being equal.  Everyone of us being treated "normally".  Because the thing is, we are not normal, we are not equal.  Each one of us walks a different path in life.  Everyone's normal is different.  My walk of life is different from someone else's walk of life which is then different from another persons walk of life.  My norm is different from someone else's norm which is then different from another persons norm.  We are all different.  We are all have qualities and hardships.  We can not compare lives.  

       All though I have said all this, we are ALL human beings.  Human beings who walk on different paths but sometimes share the same sidewalk.  We want to be treated like human being.  Understand that your walk is different and be open to understanding mine.  That is where acceptance starts.  Understanding that we are not all equal.  

       When we understand.  When we open our hearts and accept people.  That is when political corectness and bullying and all that stops.  That is when we understand so we stop hurting other people's feelings. 

I Am Aware

I am aware. I'm aware of how my visual impairment affects me.  I'm aware of how tired and weak I am all the time.  I'm aware of my dysarthria.  I am aware, and wether these are new symptoms or my new found awareness, I am not sure.  

     I suppose I've known about my mystery disability since I went from forearm crutches to a walkerr and I've definitely known that I'm legally blind since birth, but when I was a child nothing got in my way.  I knew that I was legally blind but not as much was based on sight.  As for the dysarthria and the tiredness I am pretty certain that those symptoms are fairly new.  

     Everyone whom I tell about my mystery disability tells me that a diagnosis is just a name, that in the long run it doesn't matter; they don't get it.  Instead of a diagnosis I have a list of symptoms and diagnoses that seems to keep growing.  Doctors will not treat these symptoms with out this name, without a diagnosis and I wouldn't really care if I wasn't exhausted and weak all the time, if it didn't take multiple times for someone to hear and understand me, if it didn't take the breath out of me when I talk.  

     Most of the time a diagnosis means a reason and doctors won't treat without a reason.  According to almost every test there is no reason for me to have a disability.  

     I am more aware than I was when I was a child because back then I didn't feel it like I do now.  I am a mystery that defies all odds and… I am aware. 

      

Wheelchair Guides/Guide Dogs

I'm annoyed; yes, I am being blunt because I am very annoyed and frustrated!  

     For a little over three years - THREE YEARS! - I have been research, emailing, and applying to different guide dog and service dog schools.  I have been denied by all of them.  The service dog training   centers said that do not train dogs if you are legally blind and the guide dog schools said they do not train dogs if you use a wheelchair… and of course, I am both legally blind and use a wheelchair.  

     Then, I thought I hit the jackpot, when I heard of ‘wheelchair guides' which are guide dogs trained to guide people who use wheelchairs.  I decided that my visual impairment is my primary disability and that it is necessary for me to have a guide dog before I go to college.  But, every guide dog school that had a wheelchair program has now stopped it or is not able to help me.  

     So I am open to suggestions. If you can help me please comment on this blog. But I'm annoyed and frustrated and this adventure is not over. 

Make Your Voice Heard

Im a writer; I'm a writer and I started this blog because I wanted  my voice to be heard.  I'm a quiet, shy person in general but I'm also quiet because I have 40% lung capacity and it takes a lot of energy to get enough air out in order to project my voice.  So, I'm a writer with a blog because I need a way to get my opinions heard throughout this world.  This is my voice and I beleive that everyone's voice should be heard. 

        Sometimes it's hard to have the confidence to speak when it's hard to speak.  Sometimes it's scary to speak, to make your voice heard, to share your opinion just in general.  We are scared or at least I am of people judging me.  I like to hear people's opinions on what I have to say.  I like to have friendly debates but when it comes to using my quiet out loud voice in public speaking I'm scared of what people will think when my voice gives out. 

     It easier said then done but I truly believe that not caring what people think makes it easier to do what needs to be done.  It makes it easier to share your opinion and not feel beaten down if others are judging.  It makes it easier to not assume others are judging you.  

     It doesn't matter if you can or can not speak.  It doesn't matter if you have the power to make your voice loud enough or not.  It doesn't matter if you stutter or stumble on words.  There are things you can do to be self sufficient.  You can hope people listen hard and listen close, you can get an app on your tablet or something where you type a sentence and it speaks for you, you can write, and you can do so much more.  

      I beleive that everyone's voice should be heard no matter how it is heard.  No matter your abilities and disabilities.  I once said "I have the power of silence; it moves people."  This I believe. 

Segregation in the Classroom

Is it right to have a classroom of only students with disabilities?  

     

Some of you may say that it depends on the focus of the class and the nature of the disabilities.  That it is not right to have students who have cognitive disabilities in a classroom of students who are mentally their age.  But let me ask you this: is it right to have a classroom of only African Americans or only whites or only lesbians or only gays or only bisexuals or only transgendered people?  The answer is NO, it is not right!  It is not even right for me to categorize and for that I am sorry.  So then why do people seem to think it's alright to put every student who has a disability into one classroom at the end of the hall where the door is always closed?

     It is hard work for the adults to accommodate for the students needs, therefore these needs do not get met and the child is left with no way to demonstrate their understanding.  Some kids have trouble with talking and writing, and left with no way to show that they know what's going on.  The teacher is then discouraged to teach their students anything, taking their students out of class when they should be learning, baking and doing mindless activities.  This is what happens in a "special ed" classroom and this is why students with disabilities should not be put into special ed.  No one should be segregated and segregation should not be happening. 

     You may be thinking, "What about the kids who actually need to be in the special ed classroom?"  A student who has a cognitive disability often benefits in many ways by being surrounded by their same age peers.  It not only benefits them socially but it also with speech and understanding because of the interaction with kids their own age.  It also benefits the typically abled students in having the knowledge to interact with the student who have disabilities as you would interact with anyone else.  

     All students in a school are students just the same, so treat them like human beings, like kids and treat others how you would like to be treated.  Remember: "All students are general education students, some students have special education SUPPORTS."

Break the Box

I am legally blind, but I do not fit in with the blind community.  I am physically disabled, but I do not totally fit in with everyone who is physically disabled.  I do not have a diagnosis, so I can not be put into a medical category either.  I can not be boxed, I can not be categorized but none of us should be in a box.  We are not storage; we are people.  But if this is so, why does it scare us so much when we find someone who can't be categorized?  The fact of the matter is I do not know this answer, but what I do know is that it shouldn't scare us because like I always say; we are all people, unboxable  people.  I wish we could all start thinking outside the box because the box is really starting to get in my way.

      

The Search

What if everyone chalked up how you felt into a million different reasons because they didn't actually know why you felt bad?  What if your doctor told you your symptoms didn't really exist and it was 'all in your head'?  What if no one was ever willing to help you because they weren't sure how their treatment would effect you?  This describes me.  I am a mystery. 

     I have a physical disability and am also legally blind.  My disability doesn't have a name; it has no rhyme or reason.  I have a list of symptoms that have not been tied together.  I am rare and I will probably always be rare because, you see, the search for a diagnosis has been far and wide and 16 years long.  No answers have been given; I have even been turned down from studies.  

     But the name, I do not care about.  The reason, I do not want.  What I want is for doctors to think outside of the box.  If there are symptoms to go off of then there are ways to help.   What I want is to change the way people with disabilities are perceived and thought about.  What I want is to be able to share my story.  

     It is time to stop searching and start living!

Curiosity Is Okay; Ask Away

Curiosity is okay.  Ask away!

     This past Thursday this guy who eats lunch with my friends and I asked generally, "If someone has a birth defect, is it their fault or their parents fault?"  This question made me upset at first but after thinking about it I realized that it's ok.  That the question he asked was not an insensitive question; it was just curiosity at work.  It might not have been worded in the perfect way but it was a question nonetheless.  I feel like I had no right to get upset because people have a right to ask questions and be curious. 

     In fact, I would rather people ask me questions  instead of staring at me and wondering how I do things.  It is always better to ask questions; better for you and me.  Once you ask I know you are no longer wondering and staring, and for you, you will have knowledge that you did not have before.  You will have a different perspective from the information given. 

     Curiosity makes the world go 'round.  If people didn't ask questions sciences wouldn't be advancing, technology wouldn't be where it is today and no one would know anything about anyone.  Curiosity is okay, so ask away. 

I have a dream…

Wether you can walk, talk, see, and hear or you have a disability one thing is for sure; we are all people.  Some of us are discriminated against, but I have a dream to fix that. 

     I have a dream that one day everyone will use People-First language.  People-First language is a way to form a sentence where you put the person's name and their accomplishments before you state that they have a disability.  

     I have a dream that one day all buildings will be accessible.  That every building will be designed so that EVERYONE can utilize it's features.  

     I have a dream that one day everyone is treated with the same respect.  That no one will be funneled into different classrooms just because they have a disability and no one talked down to or treated like a child because they look different.  

     I have a dream that one day people will be seen for their ABILITIES; not for their disability.  I have a dream that one day everyone will be treated equally because we are all people; the same but different.  This is my dream and I hope it comes true. 

We Are All Great!!

I believe that the people in your life cross your path for one of two reasons; to build you up or make you stronger.  Some may consider the people who make them stronger their enemies but your enemies or anyone who takes part in anything you may consider bad is just making you more tolerant, forgivable, companionate and strong.  The other person is the one who you can talk to and confide in, the one who makes you happy or bring your spirits up; your friend.  And I lied, up above, there is a third type of person that crosses your path.  A person that both brings you up and makes you stronger.  A person makes you happy but can also make you mad.  

     I was having a conversation with of these people today and he said something that couldn't believe came out of his mouth.  He's the third type of person.  The one that can make you but can also make you mad.  Well, he noticed I was sad and he said, "For every thing that you consider less average about yourself there are more that are above average."   That made me happy, which was his goal. 

     What he is saying is that there are more good qualities than bad in a person.  None of us are perfect and we will never be, but all of us are great.  

     There are three types of people in this world.  The mindful thinkers, the physically strong, and the spiritually strong.  And we are all great!

Day in a Chair

October 23, 2013 marked the first Day in a Chair Program at a high school!  Day in a Chair was an event where 12 of my peers and my principal at Point Loma High School got to spend their school day using wheelchairs.  At the end of the we all met in the library and discussed our struggles and experiences of the day.   And with being in a wheelchair myself, it was really interesting to hear all the experiences and struggles of my peers.

Here is a short documentary of the day made by the video production class at Point Loma High School;

http://youtu.be/Ww8Unknmh5c