The beauty Inside

The elderly love me. 

      "You're so beautiful", they say.  I say "thank you" and then wonder why I always get told the same thing from the same group of people.  Why is it always the grandmas who notice my beauty and the grandpas who joke about me inviting them to my wedding?

      

       My great grandma's most recent husband always asked me if I had gotten married yet.  At the end he had dementia and it didn't matter if we'd seen each other just weeks prior, our conversation would always be the same.  He would take my hands and ask, "You haven't gotten married yet, have you?"  

       "No, not yet." I would say.  

       "You'll make sure to tell me when you do, okay?"

       "I will."  He is no longer around but I will have to let him know when I get married.  I am sure he will already see.

       A few days ago there was a 93 year old women getting her hair done while I was getting a manicure.  She said repeatedly that I was a beautiful girl and on her way out of the shop she came to me and said, "You are a very beautiful girl."

       "Thank you.", I said. 

       It is not that I don't think I'm beautiful, or that I don't think I'm goiñg to get married.  It is merely the curiosity of why the majority of people who point out my beauty are elders.

       Children are told to respect their elders because they have experienced all there is.  They have developed a wisdom all their own.  Maybe they see in my eyes the experience of someone who is far too wise for her age.  But, whatever is seen in the depths of my soul, being called beautiful is a compliment I will always appreciate. 

       "You're so beautiful.", they say.  I say, "thank you" and wonder if they can see my soul through the window. 

 

      

       

The Two Valeries

A life's story can not be told simply, as it is hard to foresee the beginning, middle, and end.  In what way should I arrange them?  How do I say everything I want to say?  I don't know… And you would think being 16, going on 17, that there wouldn't be that much to say in the first place.  But, oh, how you are wrong!  I have too much to say and even different parts to the story.  I shall tell you what is on the forefront of my mind; what is itching to be said and shared.  

       But before this great tale, I must share with you something that may be of context, and wether it pertains to what is coming next… well, that is for you to figure out as the story unfolds. 

       My father is a twin; born in the 1960s.  My father came out first and his sister, his sister had some trouble. She took her time coming into the world and because of this time taken the breath of life was delayed.  This lack of oxygen resulted in both a cognitive and physical disability. 

       The thing to do to those who were different back then, to those who used wheelchairs or anything else, was to lock them up and throw away the key.  So, my aunt grew up in an institution.  I do not know the conditions or how she was treated; I'm not sure anyone really does.  My knowledge of her story jumps from here to when she died. 

       She was only 12 years old when she had a spinal fusion, to correct scoliosis.  Something went wrong, in surgery or from infection I am not sure but she died.  At 12.  She died when she was 12 years old. 

       My father is a twin.  His sister's name was Valerie.  His sister's name is Valerie.  My father named his daughter after his sister.  My name is Valerie and it might be because of our names, but I think that mine and my aunt's stories are tied together at certain points of the string.  Whoever is reading this can figure out the similarities and differences in the knots.  The lengths, unfortunately, will be different

Thank You Canine Partners for Life (CPL)!!!!

I can't keep my mouth shut for the life of me, but if I did I am sure I would explode from excitement because this.  This is a God thing, happening from pure blessing.  Out of research and emails came an application… an application that I threw away.  

     But months later I received a message from the producers of that application.  They said, "We know your blind.  We know you use a wheelchair… but if you apply, we will try and help you."  After three years I felt my search was over because I found the place, that will train the dog, to help me.  

     Thank you God!!!  Thank you CPL!!

It's been over three years, over three years, of research, emails, and the applications.  I was always denied for the same reason; having a combo pack of disabilities.  Either guide dog Schools didn't like me because I use a wheelchair or service dog training schools didn't like me because I'm legally blind. 

       At one point I thought I had a lead on a service dog training place that would help me. I asked my mom to print out the application but instead she printed out CPL's application.  

I emailed CPL and then a week later with no response I threw away the printed application.  

       Months later, in July I got a response telling me that they would try their best to help me if I filled out an application.  So I filled out an application and it's all working out from there. :)

Unseeing Eyes

I might seem rude, or stupid, or like I'm just ignoring you for one of two reasons; the first reason being that I am quiet and the second being that you are just a blob.  Yes, to me you are just a colorful shape.  No details, no fine lines, just a dim, colorful shape.  I can not see you waving at me or recognize you by your face.  I can not see the endeavors on the board in the classroom even if I am sitting in the front. Yes, I am quite blind.  

       The closer I can get a piece of work to my face the better.  Oh, but if you write in pencil it is too light for my eye to see, and cursive it is a no-no for letters are too close and connected.  It must be big, as well.  You know what, let's just stay away from paper!

       So you think a lap top might work, I think not.  Although the screen is bigger compared to a tablet or iPad, everything on the screen is smaller because of how much open space all the icons have.  Also, I am not able to get laptops and desktops as close to my face as necessary for optimum viewing.   

       I know, I know.  I see in so many different ways, with far things being colorful shapes and close things being clear as long as they are presented to me in the right way.  It is confusing and it's even hard to explain.  I am not asking that you understand, I am merely making you aware in case we ever happen to cross paths. 

       Everyone sees differently, I just happened to be legally blind.

Life is a Fight

To exist is to be, to live is to fight.

       This may sound like a war cry to you, but it is not.  It is merely a fact of life.  Every accomplishment in life is a fight to get there and for people who have disabilities it is a fight to get what we need in order to get there.  It is a fight through a whole lot of discrimination.  It is a fight through a whole lot of people who are trying their best to help but they're still discriminating against you.  It is a fight and it shouldn't be.